Something to say

"... as we commission on ... june 2006 ..."

KCL's SOH valedictory speech staring at me, and I didn't notice it till I met him.

Shih Jie was holding it and worrying about what to say. I had plenty lots to say, but it wasn't my business to be saying it. And I couldn't possibly be putting words into his mouth as well. What was left for me to do was to tell him that speeches were no good at all if the speaker had no theme to bring across, no message to convey, nothing in particular to say.

Which was KCL's speech, really. It brought Shih Jie and me through the trials and tribulations of 38 weeks. It triggered memories in us in a not-so-dissimilar way it must have for the guys of his 61/05. But it was largely just that, putting down events, ending up not saying very much. The wealth and weight of the experience and process is not diminished in any way, but it just ended up sounding bland and nearly pointless except for its tangible end result - a black bar.

I didn't read Shih Jie's final speech. I know he wanted to say that officership is a journey, not a destination, and that 38 weeks was really about teaching us how to walk. But I do not know, neither do I really want to find out. I'm more drawn to myself and my own journey. I've never really felt much for the black bar, and it makes little difference whether or not I have it. It came over me for sure when I stared at a golden bar sitting on the shoulder board of my parade uniform. It did not overwhelm me in any way at all. What did overwhelm me was the thought of how rich my experience these past months had been.

I looked back at my four years in the UK. The richness of my experience there was equal, or in fact greater than what I have had here. Yet what do I have to say for those four years, other than a narration of events, knowledge, recipes, skills, travels, friends and fun? I discovered myself, I discovered a foreign society, a society at home, and things about people in general. But I think I wasted too much time there, too much time mulling around things that in the end turned out to be wasted, too much time upsetting myself over things that from today look so trivial and insignificant. My heart wasted too much time there. It overwhelmed my experience, and I'm not sure how much more it has enriched my life.

Tomorrow I need to submit some reflections about Pro Term. During ST I had something to say about my experience. I am still not sure what the things I'll have to say Pro Term are. Even though it is that the golden bar really says very little, the weight of the experience dominates my mind. I wish for myself that I will know clearly what I have to say about this past half-year, and that I will have something to say for each of the many half-years I intend to experience and live in time to come.