Something to say

"... as we commission on ... june 2006 ..."

KCL's SOH valedictory speech staring at me, and I didn't notice it till I met him.

Shih Jie was holding it and worrying about what to say. I had plenty lots to say, but it wasn't my business to be saying it. And I couldn't possibly be putting words into his mouth as well. What was left for me to do was to tell him that speeches were no good at all if the speaker had no theme to bring across, no message to convey, nothing in particular to say.

Which was KCL's speech, really. It brought Shih Jie and me through the trials and tribulations of 38 weeks. It triggered memories in us in a not-so-dissimilar way it must have for the guys of his 61/05. But it was largely just that, putting down events, ending up not saying very much. The wealth and weight of the experience and process is not diminished in any way, but it just ended up sounding bland and nearly pointless except for its tangible end result - a black bar.

I didn't read Shih Jie's final speech. I know he wanted to say that officership is a journey, not a destination, and that 38 weeks was really about teaching us how to walk. But I do not know, neither do I really want to find out. I'm more drawn to myself and my own journey. I've never really felt much for the black bar, and it makes little difference whether or not I have it. It came over me for sure when I stared at a golden bar sitting on the shoulder board of my parade uniform. It did not overwhelm me in any way at all. What did overwhelm me was the thought of how rich my experience these past months had been.

I looked back at my four years in the UK. The richness of my experience there was equal, or in fact greater than what I have had here. Yet what do I have to say for those four years, other than a narration of events, knowledge, recipes, skills, travels, friends and fun? I discovered myself, I discovered a foreign society, a society at home, and things about people in general. But I think I wasted too much time there, too much time mulling around things that in the end turned out to be wasted, too much time upsetting myself over things that from today look so trivial and insignificant. My heart wasted too much time there. It overwhelmed my experience, and I'm not sure how much more it has enriched my life.

Tomorrow I need to submit some reflections about Pro Term. During ST I had something to say about my experience. I am still not sure what the things I'll have to say Pro Term are. Even though it is that the golden bar really says very little, the weight of the experience dominates my mind. I wish for myself that I will know clearly what I have to say about this past half-year, and that I will have something to say for each of the many half-years I intend to experience and live in time to come.

Haitink's Beethoven

BEETHOVEN.

I appreciate the slap-in-face. I remember people pouring acid all over the LSO when it scheduled a full Beethoven symphony cycle under Bernard Haitink. I think it went something like “oh and the highlight of LSO’s season is guess what … Beethoven symphony cycle” along with collective yawns and smirks.

Turned out so differently from what was expected. It was not run of the mill, apparently. I was expecting some run-of-the-mill go-through-motion Pastoral when I was tuning in on KrisWorld. But instead I sat up and thoroughly went into the music. The second movement was so serene and rich, and the woodwind so intoxicatingly appropriate for the programme and mood of the music. The third movement felt a tad too boisterous, but it was after all merrymaking. The storm felt a bit overdone and rushed, but it was after all a storm. The final movement was another highlight – especially towards the end when the luscious strings sung the final hymn.

I couldn’t wait to fly back to Singapore to find the CD. But that couldn’t possibly be the case of course. And even now when I’m back in Singapore I can’t find the CD. So I had to settle for MP3s and emusic (which apparently has had 20,000 new subscribers since its foray into UK a few months ago). That is not perfect cos’ of the way the tracks were ripped … no longer non-stop and with some errors in them. Urgh. But still good enough to give a stereo rendition. Then the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th …

Okay the 5th sounds a bit too under-laboured. A good place to stop. But I’ll grab the 6th and 9th when I can finally find them somewhere. LSO Lives On.

My Humble Food Adventures

It was the most obvious of ironies, but I only realised it when my aunt pointed it out – in the car, on the way back home. How can a restaurant with such food and such prices be named “Humble House”? Obviously irony is an integral part of modern Chinese cuisine.

Anyway I could not really believe my aunt when she said we were going to Humble House for dinner. I think she had been harbouring desires to get there and try the food ever since we caught the Sam Leong series. So on this fateful day between DeepaRaya we ventured forth. She definitely has no regrets having tried, and paid. Neither do I. Perhaps the marble goby tasted a bit … ordinary, but the rest of the food was outstanding. The setting was quite “can’t see what you’re eating” dark, the music was not quite right, but otherwise everything was great. The only slight problem is that I now want to make a return visit. So my challenge is wondering who I can coax into paying for that one …

Oh and it was my dad’s first time in the Esplanade. So I brought him around a bit. We went to the roof terrace, where I introduced him to the “BEFORE IR” view of Marina South. We’ll definitely be back again in five years.

It didn’t take five years for us to make a return visit to Aston’s Specialities. But we returned to a slightly different place … the guy decided to move from the kopitiam to his very own eatery on East Coast Road. There is now more space, more seating, more erm ventilation generally, and the food remains absolutely smashing good, really regardless of price. I am still smitten and will probably drag my daddy for my next return visit.

My attempt to revisit Cheesecake Café was however thwarted by their apparent slackness and decision to close on Tuesday in addition to Mondays. I sulked my way to Secret Recipe and was mildly appeased by new cheesecakes on the menu. I tried a lemon cheesecake. It was baked fluffy light and had two digestive cookie layers with a zesty lemon topping. I felt it was reasonable, but miss mint thought it tasted too artificial.

I have really been eating a lot this block leave. I have satisfied most of my gastronomical cravings. Had Thai at First Thai where I over-ordered and missed out on desserts and finally visited Curry Favour on Saturday when we put up at Intercontinental. Naturally we also went to The Lounge where I found they had a new singer who is an equal of the previous diva. We also had a fulfilling buffet breakfast in The Lounge. I also visited Cedele and its cheesecakes (my current favourites) too many times. Add Spinelli to that. I also neglected my Royal China mooncakes, and as a result they decided to revolt and go all mouldy. Haiz.

What other food adventures … I still have yet to find the jiaozi which my buddy influenced me into craving. And really there is still Peng Lai Ge to visit. Not to mention North Indian food and tandoori … oooooh ….

Taiwan 2006

Just came back from Taiwan. I am damn glad I decided to have a go at Taipei first as a civilian. The experience of the place is vastly different as a trainee than as a normal being – more constrained, less time, more hectic, more meaningless things that you have to do simply because you are scheduled to do as part of this entire herd of people … like the E-tour. I have many gripes about the E-tour. We set off from 屏東 all the way to 雲林 … (yes near 斗六) and then back to 高雄. … The next day we set out from Kaohsiung all the way to 南投 then to 台北. And all the way we were entertained by movies that invariably showed girls fighting one another … WHY?

It is not all complaints of course. The shopping at 新崛江 in Kaohsiung was good. The E-tour in Taipei actually covered places I had never been to. SYS Memorial was quite boring. The change of guard at 忠烈祠 was cool. The best was the National Palace Museum, which after renovation looks like a cool modern museum. But we only had one half hours there. I would gladly have traded some time at amusement parks for more time at the museum, so I could at least have had a guide. Oh well …

Some observations I had in Taipei. I quite forgot that Singaporeans were quite the bunch that was overly obsessed with food and shopping. I put that firmly down to the fact that I had joined in with tributes to Bangkok in March, and now in Taipei. I had seen many interesting things after a month last year, and I thought it was time to indulge in some things that I didn’t necessarily want to the last time. Still the intensity and passion for shopping which gripped my fellow tourists left me dumbstruck. The worst thing was that it only came to me when tp came and asked about other attractions in Taipei and taking the MRT. I almost thanked heavens for somebody who actually thought of seeing the place (even if it might have been for other motives) instead of just seeking out the next cheap bargain.

So I was glad I went to Taipei before as a civilian, but for more reasons than I would have anticipated last year. I would definitely want to be back. I probably exaggerate when I tell people that “the only thing I can possibly have against this city is its English”. There’s also probably going to be a lot of frustration with politics in the long run and also air quality. Otherwise I’m looking at possibly living there for a while. But that’s in the not-so-near future. For now I’ll be content to go back to Taipei, and maybe visit Yilan for hot springs and Tainan just to walk around. And then there’s New Zealand and Vietnam and …

忽然之間

忽然之間,
天昏地暗,
世界可以忽然什麼都沒有...

我想起了你.
再想到自己.
我為什麼總在非常脆弱的時候懷念你.

我明白
太放不開你的愛
太熟悉你的關懷
分不開
想你算是安慰還是悲哀

而現在
就算時針都停擺
就算生命像塵埃
分不開
我們也許反而更相信愛

如果這天地
最終會消失
不想一路走來珍惜的回憶沒有你

我明白
太放不開你的愛
太熟悉你的關懷
分不開
想你算是安慰還是悲哀

而現在
就算時針都停擺
就算生命像塵埃
分不開
我們也許反而更相信愛

忽然之間 I started listening to Karen Mok again.

All cos' of my buddy, who likes 忽然之間, and who plays it on his ipod in the room, who forced me 忽然之間 to face my demons. Demons, amplified and multiplied in a combination of Karen Mok's voice and 忽然之間.

Mocha Ice Blended Affair

It's been a 9-year affair between me and Coffee Bean's mocha ice-blended. I discovered it thanks to my evil comrade-in-(wasting money)arms GRR. Stuff intervened here and there - bubble tea came between us during JC. Then Coffee Bean's refusal to have any branches or anything at all to do with the UK separated us for four years. But that also meant that it was always the first coffee I grabbed when I return for vac, and by its presence at the airport it was normally the last drink I downed before leaving Changi by plane.

Anyhow I only realised this faithful consistency over a sobering length of time when I stared at "10 years of Coffee Bean in Singapore" on my Coffee Bean card. That reminds me of how things have moved on since those days. I would fork out blood and life for ice-blended at J8 and Tower Records, and now I realise through a Coffee Bean card that I spend a hundred on coffee a quarter.

Owen was talking about the costs of getting married and a new home, probably in the tune of 30-40K taking into account family contributions. While Brandon and I were gasping at the costs of marriage rituals, TS could not stop mumbling about how once 50-cent Yakult bottles seemed expensive to us as little kids. As we move on with our lives, the definitions of 50-cent Yakult bottles we share diverge. So you are getting richer, maybe I'm not. Probably means I'll have to look harder for value-for-money when I eat out, whereas you'll just scoot off to Your Humble House. We'll see how this goes. I'll just stick to the Coffee Bean for now.

160 days is a long time

I never thought I will (want to) get here. It took a bit of time. Honestly, 160 days does not seem like such a long time. And it also does not seem like that many things have happened within this not-very-long period of time, because the events can be adequately summarised in a phrase or two. But then the weight and depth of the experiences that I have encountered make the 160 days seem so much longer, and they defy my will to summarise them or encapsulate them in a mere handful of words. They are expressed in rather more words, words that thankfully have been preserved owing to my WC’s insistent pursuit of journals and reflections.

Then the five-and-a-half days before Lancer complicated things. It gave me too much time away from army. It was too much free time that compounded the sense of emptiness that I had been feeling since I stepped down. It gave me a chance to take stock of PT and ponder about how things have changed since ST. Many things have changed. People have left, new people have appeared, roles and responsibilities have increased and transformed themselves. Then Lancer confirmed many of those uncertainties, worries, freak emotions and tiresome knots that strangle the heart and draw out passions and memories of another time.

Maybe I know better now, after Lancer, that angels do not fall from the sky and fly to me. I should have known better earlier than to hope for the angel. I do not think I can deal with it myself, but then I guess I probably have to learn to deal with it myself. The best way is to let events and responsibilities drag you with a camou-green noose on and on past the tunnel. Scenery becomes blurred, life becomes transient, meaning becomes subsidiary, memory becomes temporary. I try not to look ahead too much now – looking ahead distracts. I must try not to look back too much too. Looking back breaks my heart and will.

I should never have reached out for the angel.